To The Guy Yelling at His Kid in the Store

Perhaps you've gotten angry watching an abusive parent get physical with a child or use shaming language in public. Maybe you've stepped in to defuse a situation not knowing how else to protect a child. I've often thought, "If they're doing it in a store, how much worse is life for this kid at home?" A therapist friend has written about just such a situation, and although she prefers anonymity, her words are so helpful that they need to be shared. Maybe you could print them and hand them to that person the next time you hear them say, "Shut up or I'll give you something to cry about!" It might help that person think about their actions and save a kid from a lifetime of recovery.

Our Hopes for Our Children

We wish our childhoods were filled with love and happy memories. But for
many people, maybe most, our childhoods were something less. Perhaps our
parents were harsh and overly critical. Perhaps we were abused in
unthinkable ways.

Now we have our own children. Will we make our them feel the way we felt
growing up? Or will we be able to give them more love and peace than we
ever got? And if we want them to have such joy, will we know how to make
it so?

Here are Eight Tips that may Help.

1. Children often do not know how to behave in situations until we teach
them. When they do something that we need to correct, it works best to
gently take them aside and quietly explain how to act in that situation
and why. This makes them feel like we are team players and that we
believe that they want to do their best. When we mis-interpret their
behavior as “bad,” ill-mannered, or thoughtless, we often get angry and
scold them in front of others. Then, they feel hurt, misunderstood,
afraid, embarrassed and ashamed. This also weakens the parent-child
bond. The strongest incentive for good behavior in children is the wish
to please parents whom they believe love them.

2. Children are often in a trance (Theta-brain-waves) while playing with
toys, video-games, shooting hoops, walking, thinking, etc. They are
absorbed, not ignoring us. It takes a minute for us to bring them back
to earth. Breathe!

3. Children have much less control than adults over their impulses. When
adults feel like getting angry, interrupting, or even running around, we
can stop ourselves before we do it. Children are the opposite. They
often act before they can stop themselves. This is especially true with
children who have an active temperament, children with processing
difficulties, and children who have suffered trauma. It is important to
remember that they are not being bad, they are just being kids. A gentle
reminder or a cool-down time are good approaches. When we become angry
at them or shame them, they often become more impulsive due to pent-up
hurt and anger.

4. When we believe that our children need a consequence for poor
behavior, the most effective teaching tool is take something away that
very same day, like an activity, TV time, dessert, or they can go to bed
early. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start. Being able to start anew
tomorrow helps them feel hopeful and supported. When we extend
consequences out for many days or weeks, children feel defeated and
unloved. They fear that they will never be able to be good enough to get
back in our good graces. Their motivation to try to do better is
actually decreased, as is our bond to them.

5. When children become frightened, sad, or angry, it helps to take a
few moments to express compassion before offering advice. Even adults
need to “feel felt” when upset before we can think clearly and apply reason.

6. We all get angry. It is part of being human. However, adults have a
capacity to self-reflect about our anger and to choose other options. We
can ask ourselves: Did I feel afraid, unsafe, unloved, unwanted, or
angry, as a child? Am I unintentionally treating my child in ways that
made me feel hurt and misunderstood? Did I feel like my parents thought
I was good, smart, and lovable? Or did they make me feel I was bad,
dumb, and unworthy of love? Do I sometimes release on my child the anger
that I felt for my parents when they treated me harshly? Are my
children, in turn, releasing their anger on their siblings and friends?

7. Make a plan for the generations to come. The love I give my children
now is love they will have to give my grandchildren in years to come.
The anger I discharge on my children now is anger they will release on
my grandchildren in years to come. It works pretty mathematically. Love
in = love out. Anger in = anger out. Do I want to pass the pain from my
own childhood to the next generation? Or do I want to create something
different for the generations to come? The love and kindness I give my
children now are the water and sunlight that will grow my family tree to
be majestic, a safe haven, and bountiful with fruit.

8. Have fun together! Play a game. Go for a walk. Be silly. Laugh. Read
to your children. Cuddle with them. Go out for ice cream. These are the
things that build bonds and memories that will sustain you and your
children for a lifetime and that your children will pass on to your
grandchildren.